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This Again...

Today I feel like shit. Not physically, maybe emotionally, definitely mentally.

I don't know what it is. I don't know why this happens, but what I do know is that every time it does I do everything I possibly can to get rid of it. To push it away and mask it. I rush to end it before it takes hold of me. Before it can latch on and stay longer than I'm comfortable with.

But maybe my tactics have run their course. Maybe it's not the best way to handle whatever this is anymore. Is it possible that what I've been doing has been putting the proverbial band-aid on a deeper rooted issue, covering it up until that band-aid looses it's stick and falls off, exposing the cut that still hasn't healed?

I'm relatively rational so the answer is YES. That's likely exactly what I've been doing.

So here I am doing something different. Entertaining the idea that maybe I need to feel more before pushing it away. Sit in the uncomfortable until it isn't so uncomfortable. I'm going to do my best to write something everyday so I can see what's unfolding. I'll try to be honest even though there are some things I know I'm not ready to be honest about. But hell, here's to trying.

So far there are two contributors to me becoming a walking gray cloud that I've been able to identify:

1. Social Media - not the normal comparison trap that many find themselves in. I think it's more of the negative/constantly selling/too much thought provoking content. It sometimes shifts my mood.
2. The few people I've allowed myself to care deeply for- their energy affects mine. I allow their words to penetrate my otherwise impenetrable armor. Their opinions matter. All of this is incredibly annoying to me. It's the reason I don't allow people in. There's literally only 8 people total that have this bullshit hold on me. A couple cause substantially more harm than the others. But I love them, these 8 people. And because I love them, they have access that no one else does. I know for 7 of them their intentions are never bad so I trust them. But they are human too. They say and do and feel things too. I need to work on being a human strainer. Holding onto the things that matter and letting the rest drain through the holes.

I worked on book 3 today, but after a chapter rewrite I was too distracted, too self loathy. I stopped and tried to watch a movie. It didn't help which bothered me so I stopped it half way through. Now I'm writing this. Next I'm going to read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. Hopefully I'll get a little boost.

And in this last paragraph I am doing the exact thing I said I needed to stop doing! Lord help me.



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